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Old 09-25-2012, 12:38 PM   #1
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Aquira And The Hero (Zelda FanStory)

Aquira and the Hero
By FrozenPhoenix96

Aquira smiled as she ran along the water's edge at Windfall Island. Her parents were stopping by to get some food and stories, meet up with friends. So she was left to play around freely. Looking around she wondered what to do next. Playing with kids, she'd already done. Something new... That's when she spotted the person sitting on the docks. Smiling a bit, she walked over to them to say hello. but the person that was sitting on the doks was actually a monster! he grabbed Aquira, but Aquira escaped, the monster is running after her, it's a big chase at the moment, she picked every stick or cola can she can find and throw it behind her. Aquira ran and ran. Why was a monster at Windfall...? As far as Aquira knew, the place had been peaceful for years... She needed to find her mother and father, quickly! A loose stone on the walkway caused her to trip and she attempted to get up, just to realize the creature was right behind her. Fear made her freeze as shock took over, rendering her immobile. but then, the monster runned right at aquira, but then the hero came with his sword, he fighted against the monster, but the hero does have to learn a lot first! so it's going to be difficult, the monster started with a attack with his fist, he gave the hero a punch with his fist as big as the hero's head! the hero runned at the monster with his sword, and used some slice attacks, the monster gave some other punches, and the hero has a big pain, but he has one feeling: he must win this! the hero raged, and gets his sword from the ground, he runned at the monster with his sword in attack position. Aquira watched in shock and surprise at the this hero who was trying to save her. He... Was pretty handsome, too. Tossing the thought away she got up and ran... Before coming back armed with a bow. Like her mother, she knew how to wield a bow. She pulled out an arrow from her quiver and shot the monster straight in the eye. and then the monster holds his eye with one hand, and stands with his pain at one place, now it is the chance for our hero to strike, he runs at the monster with his sword, he strikes him with a powerful final blow!! the monster screams, he used his last energy to say something to the hero.
monster: you defeated me, but my master will destroy you!!
the monster vanished in a black dust...
the hero is exhausted and full of pain, he is falling on the ground. Aquira let out a little gasp of surprise and ran over, for once abandoning her bow to catch the falling hero. "Mph! Not to light are you..." she mumbled, holding him up the best she could. It was at that moment her parents came running over. "Aquira! What's goin' on?" her father came running up, his hair a brown color and his eyes a dark green. Seeing the passed out hero he paused before lifting him up. "Huh. Strange garb... He kinda looks like that kid you used to know back when we lived at Outset..." he mused, holding the hero an arms length away and by his armpits. Her mother ran over to Aquira, however. She had sandy brown hair and blue-green eyes, like the sea. "Are you okay, dear? You aren't hurt, are you?"
"No, mom, just a scratch on my knee, that's all." Aquira murmured, picking up her bow with slight embarrassment. Aquira asked her mom if the hero can stay at their house to rest, his eyes are closed and he didn't move, the mom said it's alright, Aquira carried together with her mom the hero inside, they place him on the couch, the next morning:
Aquira's mom makes some soup for the hero to heal, he still doesn't move, and his eyes are closed too. Ethel, Aquira's mother, hummed softly as she cooked. The father was away at work, as a smith. He forged swords and other metals for travelers of the Great Sea. Aquira herself had pulled a chair from the dining room and was sitting next to the hero, waiting for him to wake up. 'He... He really does look like Link... I wonder where he is now?' she thought as she watched him sleep. Sighing she leaned back and looked up at the ceiling. It'd been years since she lived in Outset, maybe he didn't remember her at all... The hero groaned slightly and she looked down in surprise. Was he waking up at last? the hero did his eyes open, he finnaly woke up!
when he was finally awake, he jumped from he couch, and screams: Where is the monster, who is his master!
Aquira recognized his voice, it's link!!!
the hero looked at Aquira, he said: who are you?
Aquira: didn't you remember me? i'm Aquira, i lived in Outset Island a long time ago, don't you remember me?
Hero: yeah, now i know, you was that girl, i recognize you now, you changed a lot since then.
Aquira said that she is happy she found link, and he's so strong now, and he has a sword. Aquira nearly flushed with pleasure at him remembering her. So he did remember her after all! "I'm so happy! It's been years since I've lived there... You have to tell me how everyone is doing. How's Aryll?" she asked, her dark green eyes sparking in interest. Aryll had been Aquira's best friend on the island. They used to play together with the gulls and hold races. She hadn't heard of the giant bird who kidnapped girls with long ears or the dangers of the sea. Ethel and her father had made sure of that. Link got tears in his eyes, "Aryll... my lovely sister...... she's kidnapped by.. the masked dark bird, everyone is talking about it in Outset Island, the bird flyed into the direction of me, i grabbed my sword, the bird comes faster and faster in my direction, when the bird was very close, i hitted him with my sword on his head, but it didn't helped at all, the mask was to sturdy... but Aquira, you must be carefull, the owner of the bird, is also the leader of that monster that chased you! they want to kidnapp each girl, till they found the right one, i don't know who they seek, but when they found her, they won't free the rest.. but no worry, i will protect you! She gasped in surprise, tears gathering in the corner of her eyes. "Aryll... Was captured? Oh no..." Aquira rubbed the tears out of her eyes. "I hope she's okay... But thank you, Link. I'm sure you'll be able to protect me." she smiled.
Ethel walked in with a platter holding two bowls. "You're up, Link. I made you some soup. I made the kind your grandmother used to make, may the goddesses bless her. Aquira, there's some for you, too."
"Thank you, mom." Aquira said, taking the soup from her mother. Link said that he is going to leave, he must go on with his mission: saving Aryll.
he asked Aquira to come with him, and take her bow with her. "R-really? Well, of course! I'll help in any way I can. But... Let's leave quietly. I don't think mom would let me go so easily..." she said with a nod. Ethel had returned to the kitchen, cleaning up a track of mud her father must have gotten in the house. Donning her quiver once more, Aquira grabbed her bow and motioned for Link to follow her quietly out the front door. Link and Aquira walked near the sea, there is a red boat with a lion head, link said "this is my boat, introduce yourself to him" Aquira doesn't understand it, introducing to a boat, is he crazy?
but she does it, "hi, i'm Aquira", then the boat said "nice to meet you, I'm the king of the red lions", Aquira was shocked, a talking boat, she never saw this before! "W-wow... Crazy talking boat. I'm officially in shock. I thought my ride was a little weird... By the way, meet Gauy!" she whistled and not a minute later, a large bird swooped down. It had a sharp, dark brown beak with dark blue feathers. His underbelly was white and the bird even had a saddle. Hopping on, Aquira smiled fondly at the bird. "He's been a big help when I want to have a little adventure. Anyways, you lead the way and we'll follow by air!" she cheered, Gauy flapping his wings and launching into the air. when they arrived at Outset island, they saw that the island is full of monsters, "the monsters knew we would going too this island at the moment" said link, they saw people in cages, and link's grandma too!
link ran at one of the monsters and grabbed his sword, but then some another monsters saw it and ran at link ang give him a smash in his belly, link ran around the monsters to another, but then the other monsters saw it again and they attacked, "argh! they are strong!"
the monsters looks difference each other, some little slimy colored monsters, and some pigs or trolls, it's difficult to see what wich from the two they are, and some little birds too!
Aquira picked her bow, and shooted at one monster, and then another monster throwed a sword at Aquira, "WATCH OUT AQUIRA!" screamed link. Gauy dived at just the right time to save her, though the tip did get her face. "Get 'em, Gauy!" she called to her bird, who was already pursing the airborne attackers. Arrows flew left and right, never missing their targets. Ethel had trained her daughter well and Aquira had futher perfected it until there was nothing to polish. There was one bird who also had a rider and instead of a shooting game, it turned into chase. They were the only two in the air and Aquira was persistant on not letting him get away. While the two fooled around in the air, Link was stuck with the beasts on land. Link got some hard hits from the monsters, and they are with too much monsters to beat them all, and now there are some little birdmonsters that attacks Aquira! Link needs more company!
Link fights and fights! and get some strong hits! Aquira groaned and made Gauy go up and over in a loop to avoid her new enemies. Holy snap, where were they coming from, anyways? Her right hand flashed black, scaring her for a second. Looking up, she saw a boy with orange hair flying beside her on one of the enemy birds. It was the rider she had been chasing! He pulled out a whistle and blew on it, killing all the monsters down on the ground with a puff of purple smoke. With a sly smile in Aquira's direction, he flew off, the enemy birds following after. They didn't know it now... But they had just met the son of a very evil man. Aquira picked her bow, and shooted some arrows to the rider or the bird till she hits him, the son of the evil man falls down from his bird to the sky, then she flies towards link an the monsters, she did some arrow shots with her bow, and the monsters are defeated, link lies beaten up at the ground, " you dead?" "no i;m not dead Aquira, i'm still alive, i only need some rest and something to eat and drink for some energy".

tell me what you think of it, and maybe i'm gonna make some other parts
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Old 11-27-2012, 09:11 PM   #2
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Not bad, but needs major improvement. The major problems are:

Wall of text syndrome: No one wants to read a giant wall of text on a screen. It hurts my eyes. Use better spacing, please

adjective use: Use more and better adjectives. You have to paint the image in my head, otherwise I don't know what things look like.

You also need to work on a few other things. Why is there a cola can? This is Zelda. There are no cola cans in zelda. Furthermore, why doesn't she know rather she has picked up a stick or a cola can and why don/t I know, or you, the author?

There is also the problem of your limited grasp of the English language.

Lastly, NEVER use script format.

Originally Posted by Brandyn View Post
You wield the banhammer like Thor wields Mjolnir.

"No, you're clearly wrong. A game's success is determined by the score. Opinions are facts now, and if this game gets too many negative facts then this game clearly sucks so we should all just leave and play Kingdom Hearts and Call of Duty.(that hurt to type)" - Sabeta_Sama of GFAQs

Last edited by Aether_Fenris; 11-27-2012 at 11:42 PM.
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