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Old 08-01-2013, 12:44 AM   #1
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Depression

As some of you may know, I've battled with depression for a few years. It has been a constant struggle trying to act happy, as so people would leave me alone. I've been through one existential crisis after another, though I have finally found the light in my life.

Part of what my depression constant is that I have always been an introverted individual. Following my graduation from High School, I've basically dropped off the face of the planet for a year. I didn't want to go to school, as what would be the point of wasting all that money if I didn't make it to my college graduation. To the vast majority of the people I know, I was just gone, like the wind, even my web presence diminished, and I disappeared from this site and many others. I was done with people as a whole. Having spent most of my life helping others and not getting anything from it was exhausting. I was constantly being mistreated and used by the people I called my friends, and I had had enough.

This last year, I began my quest into college, going at it hard, trying to make up for lost time. I go to a college that goes by Quarters, so being a Full-Time student is three courses a quarter, I was going 8. In this time I have switched my career of choice three different times, about once per quarter. Maybe it was all the stress I was putting myself through, trying to balance 8 courses, while working 35+ hours per week at my job. Plus the stress of being unable to have a normal relationship with women was pushing me to my breaking point.


In May, I finally found relief. One of the few people I had managed to stay friends with, Em, snapped me out of the depressive trance I had been in since my failed relationship I had my Senior year of High School. I was young and stupid then, and that relationship had been the catalyst to the stress and depression that was brewing deep inside me and amplified it immensely. Em probably doesn't even know how grateful I am that she was there for me, even through some of my more rage induced moments. She helped me figure out that I should become a History teacher, as I am great with kids, I have lots of energy, and I am a walking encyclopedia of historic knowledge.

These last two and a half months have been quite enlightening, as I began to think about where I have messed up in life, and I finally come to terms with everything.

I've made this post today, because I want to help anyone else who deals with depression. In life, everyone wants to feel connected, to feel like they are relavent. They want to feel like a participant, to be apart of all the goings that are around them. The profound thing is, is that by simply being alive, we are all these things. Even in the bleakest moments, those connections are there, whether they want to admit to them or not. Someone will be sad if they are gone. They have set something in motion, much greater then they will ever know.

Depression is a slippery slope, and it is hard to escape without support. And as they say, Rome was not built in a day, so one cannot expect to stop being depressed out of the blue. There are several steps, and they vary from person to person. My first step was coming to the revelation that I take a torch to every healthy relationship I have been in, and rushing into serious relationships one after another, and once that didn't work out for me, rushing into "casual" relationships, and finally growing a conscience which amplified my depression even more. Now I have reconciled with myself for all the wrong things I have done, and while I do feel shame for what I have done, I can officially say I have grown past it. The past is the past, and as I future History Teacher, I can say that while it is important to know the past, I know that those lessons are useful for the future. But, if you can forgive yourself for your past mistakes, the future is yours to make.

As I have said, while each case differs from person to person, I do hope that my tale can give a little bit of inspiration for any of you that may be facing depression. It's a hard road to walk, but with enough Courage and Willpower, I know depression can be overcome, whether it is through deep thought, and self-realization, or in the more extreme cases, with medical help and therapy.
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Old 08-01-2013, 02:41 AM   #2
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I'm glad you posted this, dude. I know I've talked to you briefly in past years about things as well, so I had a vague idea of things going on.

I feel like I want to add to this if I may, with again, a story of depression beat. Also, I'm really frickin hoping I can keep this as short as possible, but you know me. xD

This here's a story all about depression for about 6 years straight.

This is more oriented to the gradeschool student, and each segment will have shoulda coulda woulda, do's and dont's solutions. One of these may pertain to you.

Let's start with Grade 5, because that's where life started to suck. I had entered grade 5, as any kid in grade 5 would, I had friends, I had whatever else a kid that age did. Nothing special, and yet I had a downfall. Anger. I couldn't take a joke, and these were times where people started joking around a lot, and a lot of my friends drifted into that phase. I could be set off really easily by the end of it all. Kids noticed this early on, and bam! It all fell into place and I was that kid that EVERYONE went after. I was pretty bad, but I wasn't too bad at the same time. I couldn't tell what was wrong, and thought the world hated me, and that's how it seemed. My home life was no different with older siblings, and that didn't help matters. 0 escape other than video games, which could set me off pretty easy as a result. Not much to tell other than that really.

Solution: Take a joke, life's not serious, kid's suck if you don't act right.

Grade 6, there's not much to tell, and this whole thing is kind of a solution. Same scenario, more kids. Only this time I picked out the kids that didn't treat me like crap, and was friends with them. Within reason of course. If you're applying this to yourself, at whatever age, don't get into the wrong crowd that does stuff you're uncomfortable with. Now, this is Canada I live in, and we are very diverse culturally. A lot of immigrants and whatnot. Now, I've always been nice to these kids, and everything, because why wouldn't I, just the kind of kid I am. This is the year I kind of clung to those kids because they were new, didn't know about me, could mould there own judgement on me, and were generally good people with no interest in being jerks. I had several friends and acquaintances because of this. I'm not saying they were all immigrants, but it was immigrants of several races, and the general new kids that were quiet. Go to these people, they are generally awesome.

Grade 7 & 8, I was home schooled. Having had enough of all the crap, and still not knowing how to act properly socially, I tried this out for size. I had a short stint in a public school in grade 7, where things just got worse. I acted better with the anger, but now I had more kids hating me just for the several dozen that came with me from my school into the new junior high (schools were grade k-6, 7-9, 10-12 in alberta). They wrecked everything! I didn't even have a chance. That many kids spreading the bad word about me, and all I had was my grade 6 friend with me. Homeschooling is where I turned, although I'm sure I could have made it work with a lot of frickin work at the junior high.

The Homeschooling was a mistake... Kind of. Looking back I really enjoyed what was a stress leave for me. It took a massive load off, and at this point, I hated people so much, that I could care less that I never saw anyone. For the first while. Things started to get lonely, and I went a bit insane from lack of seeing anyone. I do say a bit, because it's not full-out insanity, just weird behavior. Anyways, I had been in sports and whatnot all my life. Namely baseball. That continued in grade 7. Not in grade 8 though. Grade 8 I joined a bowling league where people were pretty cool, as well as karate that I had rejoined.

Solution: Take the homeschooling if you need, but know that it's lonely. Very, very much so, even with activities to go to. My better recommendation is get a new start somewhere, and regroup on how you act. Try to be someone people will like.

Grade 9... Oh F***. I'm swearing for this one. Worst year of my life, I'm surprised I'm alive. F*** this year, with every fiber of my body (also on a bright note, year I joined NFF). My return to school. Catholic school. Depending on what that may or may not mean to you, it's deceiving. No one was catholic here, and no one was religious. Why it existed to be that way, I don't F***ing know. This school was a prison. It was the only school that accepted people that have been to Juvenile detention hall, and that takes off our story right there.

I went to this school with a positive attitude, yet a skepticism of people still. Things went decent actually. Nothing too bad happened, I still couldn't take a joke, and used much of my strategy that I did in grade 6, and it was all good. Cue religion class in November. Kid comes in, high as Sh*t on something. Starts getting mad at me for throwing stuff at him, which I wasn't even doing. Stands up, comes and stabs me 12 times with a sharpened pencil. Now please don't go "Pencil, that's nothing". These marks, for about 4 of them were an inch deep and bleeding a lot, the other stabs weren't much better. How's this resolved? Kid claims I'm throwing paper at him, airhead teacher makes me pick up all the paper in the room by hand. F*** you teacher. Got more blood on your floor than you did random paper from other students. Yes, logic dictated that you just start wailing on the kid, and yes, I recommend that, but it was a shock thing, I don't know.

Went home, and how the F*** do you hide that? I didn't even. Dad sees, freaks out, gets the cops involved. Suddenly I'm a rat for what my dad did. Sh*t hits the fan from this label, and on top of that, people find out from friends who I was back in elementary. O hai deja vu x10. I wasn't even acting improperly at this point. I took jokes and everything within my group of a few kids that once again were immigrants. So, I have those kids to thank a lot for being my escape, and true friends. Additionally, my school had a high school end to it, where my sister had friends. Friends who were willing to help. They fixed up my personality, got me to dress/act better, and that was a MAJOR plus to anything in the future. I have even more to thank to them. Of course, they could only help at lunch, and outside of school somewhat. Didn't see them much other than that. They scared the Sh*t out of a bunch of the kids that were involved, and that kind of brought me to a point where people hated me, but left me alone...ish. This was enough for me to just kind of mind my own business with the friends I did have. Until these kids took it upon themselves to attempt to turn those friends against me, which for a couple of them it worked, the other 3, not really. Again, thanks to them for being there. That was grade 9. I moved cities afterwards. Was supposed to a year earlier, and could have avoided this year entirely. Thanks recession.

Anyways...

Solution: Avoid kids tripping out, take a joke, mind your own business, stick to the true friends. I'm not including the help of high schoolers my sister got, because that is rarely if ever an option for people.

Grade 10: Fresh slate. Not much to say on this really. School kind of sucked, but I kind of knew how to act. For what I didn't, I worked on. Attempted to be with a group of kids, that I gave up on, because it was a 1 way street where I was the only one trying. Could have pushed to make it work. Glad I didn't. If you have to force something to work, move on. From here on, my sister recommended I go to her arts school. I made plans to do that, finished off the year rather silently, only ever being myself in foods class with some acquaintances that were my kitchen crew. 2 girls, and a guy, all grade 9.

Solution: Change of scenery is good, try to act the best you can. Don't force friendships to work.

So that's that, I want to touch base slightly on the following 2 years, because they had a happy end. So here it is.

Grade 11: Small arts school, weary of people still, always thought I was introverted. That changed. These kids brought me out into being who I was. I joined drama, art, gym and loved them all, along with the general classes and the learning-style they taught. This school was for me. People rule when you find the right ones.

Grade 12: Same school, how could I not? Freaking loved it, every minute of it. Got extremely involved in school volunteering, leadership, the school musical for crying out loud (best part of the year I might add), and just so, so, so, so, so much good about it. Discovered my dream of acting, won awards for most improved in acting and biology 12. Had an absolute blast, loved life, went to prom alone, didn't give a crap because life rocked so much anyways. I really can't imagine how my life will ever live up to this amount again. Graduated with honours, with my fellow 36 graduates. 34 of which were the best people on earth! As well as numerous people in the 2 grades below I made friends with. I'm extroverted too. You just never know until you can spread your wings man.

So there you have it. Where I stand now with it all, I'm proud. I feel like I've been through hell and back, and have survived and come out cleaner than ever. You gotta find your sanctuary man, and for me that was acting, and by bigger extension that whole school. Be optimistic, change your scenery if you need, and for anyone having trouble in schools, all I have to say is rethink your attitude, because it's not all on other people, although they can suck, and I highly recommend an arts school. Does not matter if you don't have art talents. You don't need to take artsy classes, and the people are generally just how people should be. Life's not serious all the time, so treat it as such. HAVE FUN! As for post school, I barely even have a chapter started on that yet, but am hoping for the best, and chasing my dream of being an actor.

Thanks for reading, hope both our stories help. Believe in yourself guys. Cliche as it may be, just do it!
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Old 08-01-2013, 08:08 AM   #3
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Well ya know you sure did help me soooo much when I was asking for help with depression. Yeah thanks a lot, buddy ole pal.

Yes that was sarcasm.

So since you want to help others all the sudden are you goin to go around telling them how to man the **** up like you did me? Cause lemme tell ya bro that helped so friggin much!
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Old 08-01-2013, 09:20 AM   #4
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depression is a funny thing ....

comes and goes ( and sometimes it just sticks around )

each case is different and needs to be handled differently ( because no two people are alike ) but can be similar

its just opening up and talking to someone with all the ordeals n situations that come up and how to deal with them ....

even the mood can be a killer .... being in that state of emptiness or feeling blah effect ...

it can be treated with writing, hobbies, hanging out w/ family or friends, or anything that keeps the mind from resorting back to the negative or empty thoughts ....

gotta love tho sarcasm, a bodies natural resistance toward st***d people .....
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Old 08-01-2013, 09:56 AM   #5
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Thanks for sharing guys. I'm happy things worked out in the end. I think I'll share my story too, although I still struggle with depression. A few people here already know my story, but this will probably be a little more detailed than what I told them. It will probably be a little long. Actually, very long. This will pretty much be my life story. I won't blame you if you don't want to read it..

I had to grow up fast. My mother was a crackhead and alcoholic. My dad worked a lot, so I was mainly in charge of my little brother. There was so many times where I came home from school and no one was at the bus stop waiting for me. (Or at the school waiting when I walked home) There was a few times that I had to go to the neighbors because I'd get home and the doors were locked. I was in kindergarten and first grade at these times. It was before I was trusted with a key. I don't know how many times a neighbor had to help me get in a window because they couldn't just let me wait at their house because my little brother was in there and my mom was passed out. I don't remember a time when I was young where I didn't have to be the grown up of the house.

I got teased a lot in school, starting in elementary. I don't even remember why I was teased back then. Probably because I couldn't take it and would cry. In third grade the school found out a little about my situation at home. I started counseling at school, and ended up getting a wonderful one. It was nice to have someone to talk to that was nice and actually seemed to care. My mom would get drunk and disappear for days at a time. I would have to make sure to get me and my brother ready for school. My grandma had to take care of my baby sister. There was so many times where I woke up to my mom hitting my dad because she was drunk off her ass and he was trying to keep her from leaving. I don't know how my dad never hit her back, honestly. When I was 8 years old, my mom was drunk off her ass and for some reason we all went to McDonald's. A rare treat that my dad had promised and didn't want to let her being drunk ruin. She managed it anyway. She got mad at him about something and figured in the middle of McDonald's was the best place to tell an 8 year old that I didn't have to listen to him because he wasn't my real dad anyway. I remember being so confused. I didn't believe her at first. I thought she was just being a bitch because she was drunk. Then my dad confirmed it but told me that no matter what he'd love me. It took me a little bit to understand what was going on. (God this shit is hard to type)

In the fourth grade, my dad finally had enough. I had enough a long time before that. We were living in Illinois at the time. (We moved around A LOT.) Mom went into rehab for the third time. Dad took us and moved down to Louisiana and we ended up staying in a 2 bedroom apartment with my grandpa, uncle, dad, me, little brother, and baby sister. I was still getting teased in school, but at least the responsibility for my siblings wasn't 100% on me. Right before 6th grade, we moved into a house. My grandpa stayed in his apartment, but my uncle came with to help out. I was close to him because I used to sleep on the couch in the living room and he slept on the other in the apartment. We'd stay up watching MASH and A-Team, and playing video games. He's my only relative around here that I steal keep in contact with occasionally. Only occasionally because of the cousin he hangs out with. I'll get to him later. Where was I? Right. So things seemed to be going good, new school, new house where I had my own room. I got into reading a lot around this time. Sadly, teasing continued at this school. It still wasn't too bad, still only words at this time. I still didn't handle it well. Then my dad got a girlfriend. She seemed nice at first. My uncle moved out and I was kinda heartbroken about that, but she was moving in with her daughter so I thought things might not be that bad. Once she moved in, she changed. She was a complete bitch and her daughter could do no wrong. I told my dad this and he just brushed me off. She'd act all nice in front of him, so he thought I was just making shit up. He never saw her hit me. I don't remember why he ended up kicking her out, honestly. I guess he finally saw through her bullshit. I thought things would be good, even though I didn't have help in the house anymore. I was back to having to take care of stuff. It wasn't that bad though.

We did talk on the phone with my mom occasionally. She struggled sometimes. She became a prostitute at one point to fuel her addiction. She got pregnant, and the sister of the father ended up adopting the daughter she had because my mom lived on the streets. After that, my mom apparently got clean.

Then my dad asked the question to me and my siblings. "How would you feel if I told you your mom might be moving back with us?" I was always very introverted. Always the sweet, quiet kid. I lost my shit. I told him exactly how I would feel. I let all my anger out and I think I even threw things. My brother and sister were ecstatic though. That hurt me more than anything. I was the one who had taken care of them. Why would they want her back? My sister was so little back then, she had no memories of her. My brother though. He was only a year and a half younger than me. He should remember. He saw all the shit I did. But no. They were excited. I got ruled out. I felt like all that I had said, had been ignored. I felt like I was nothing.

My mom came back and moved in with us. She stayed clean, although she did have one relapse. I was still mad before, so tried one more time to make my feelings known. This time with her right there. I threatened to leave. Hell, I even called my friend and her parents offered me a place to stay. Once again, I was ignored. I kept things inside after that. She did stay clean after that, though. So maybe I wasn't as ignored as I thought. Teasing continued in school.

In the 8th grade, teasing got worse. I had my wrist nearly broken. I had a basketball thrown at my head (purposely) and got a concussion. I had hot glue thrown at me, I still have a scar from that. I started cutting. The very first time I did it, was at school. I did it with the cross charm on my bracelet. I did it in the middle of the cafeteria. Honestly, it was probably just a cry for help that time. I got taken to see someone where I promised not to do it again and they didn't even let my parents know. This year is also when I had the issue with my cousin. I had surgery on my wrist, and was in pain a lot. I left my meds at home because I was at my cousin's and he was watching me. I was 13 and he was 30. (He's actually my dad's cousin) He gave me a half a bar of something, even though I had had codeine a little while before. It was kinda fading so I wanted more but didn't have it. He started touching me and tried to get me to touch him. I was pretty drugged and had no idea what was really going on. I think that was the first time I ever touched a guy.. well, there. If my grandma wouldn't have taken that time to pull up in the driveway, I have no idea what would have happened. Well, I do now but I didn't then. I wanted nothing to do with him after that. I ended up telling my uncle and dad, and they stopped talking to him for a while. But then it was just like they forgot. Right before we moved, I was finally done with the teasing. I let my crying out at home when no one could see, and I continued to cut. The teasing finally stopped when this guy punched me in the back of the head as we were walking into the computer room. I just turned around and stared him in the face. I didn't really feel anything, for once no tears. I just looked him in the face. I was expecting him to hit me again, honestly. Instead, he just put his arms up, took a step back, and said "Nicole got hard, guys" and that was that. I couldn't believe how easy that was. The teasing stopped went back to words after that, but I didn't care anymore. Soon after, I moved once again.

New school was nice, I actually had friends there. Still cut though. Then I started high school, and it was good there too. I had friends, I got a boyfriend, I should have been happy right? I spent most of my depressed times trying to figure out why I wasn't happy. I got caught while cutting again, this time by my parents. They took me to a psychiatrist who put me on meds. The meds helped with the depression yes, but that didn't stop the cutting. I started cutting just to feel something. I was cutting even more than I did when I was depressed. When I got caught again, they took me off the meds. April 8th, 2005 was the last time I cut myself. My 15th birthday. I was still depressed, but was kept under heavy surveillance by my parents, and they threatened to have me committed.

Things weren't that bad for a long time. I started dating Adam (my now husband) soon after I turned 16. I moved in with him at 17, my parents signed the emancipation papers willingly so I could go to school. Things were good for a while, we had some normal teenage girlfriend boyfriend problems but it was fine. In 2009, we split up. There was this girl Adam had started hanging out with. She was after him and he was enjoying it. I could tell he liked the attention. I pulled into myself a bit. I've never been much of a fighter. Then one day, he took me out to eat where she worked. She kept coming by the table, even though she wasn't our waitress. Adam decided then that we should talk. He kept asking if I was happy with our relationship and I just kept shrugging and saying things were fine. He kept asking if I wanted to break up. After a few times, I figured he was the one who wanted to break up so I just said yes. I moved out after that. I lost most of my friends with this breakup. Luckily I was taken in by two friends. I started smoking then. I got a new boyfriend. I couldn't find a job, so after a few months I ended up moving back in with my parents. I found a job by them, so things were going good. Things ended up ending with that boyfriend, because I was tired of always being accused of cheating.

I started messing around with one of my brother's friends. I usually dated guys older than me, but there was just something about that boyish charm he had. I should have known something was up when a guy who perfectly fit the mold of the "perfect guy" for me showed up in my life and was interested in me. Should have noticed how he never let me out of his sight. I was just so ****ed up all the time that I didn't really notice much. Then I got pregnant. I quit smoking, of course. And then I started to notice things. I started to get depressed again. That still wasn't so bad. Until he pushed me down. Then it started. I started contemplating suicide again. I didn't see a way out. I found out that he got me pregnant on purpose. I can't talk anymore on that.. I'm sorry.. Adam came back into my life at that time. He got me out of there. We started dating again when I was three months pregnant. (March 2010) In the time apart, he had married and started going through divorce proceedings with that girl. I didn't care, I had a way out. And I did still love him. Things were good after that. I had a beautiful baby girl in September of 2010, who looks nothing like her bio father. Thank God for that. Adam's name is on her birth certificate. After Bell was born, I was going to give her bio father a chance to know her. He met her once on Halloween. That ****er will never have anything to do with my daughter again. In November, before I was going to bring her out for a visit, my mom left my little brother with him to run my other brother somewhere. When she got back, ex boyfriend left quickly, and my mom soon found out from my brother why. He made my little brother touch his ****ing dick. He was 7!! What kind of person does that?! He will never have anything to do with me or my daughter. If he ever tries coming around here, I'll shoot him in his ****ing face. And his dick.

Things are good now, right? So I should be happy, right? I still struggle with depression. Still have horrible mood swings, and my anxiety is as bad as ever. I break down crying at least once a day, and sometimes I don't even know the reason.

I am so thankful to have found Rin and Killua. They keep telling me how much I've helped them, but I don't think they have any idea how much they've really helped me these past few weeks. I love you two so much.
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Old 08-01-2013, 10:12 AM   #6
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kids can be so mean ... esp. getting a bit far w/ the teasing also =(
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Old 08-01-2013, 05:37 PM   #7
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Depression never really goes away. It's a demon, and it attacks you whenever you are vulnerable. I had it back when I was in my teens, and it still comes back to haunt me sometimes and makes me think about cutting and suicide again. My most recent spell was actually earlier this week, when everything just collapsed and I felt helpless. It's your choice to overcome it or let it dictate what you should do.

People who know me well already know my story. I came out of my depression due to a divine intervention, and God's love for me. I already explained it somewhere on here before. I feel like it's part of my mission in life to help other people who are struggling, but my exception is that I will use Christ as a part of it.
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Old 08-01-2013, 08:55 PM   #8
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I had to battle with depression 2 years ago.
Still have scars from that time.
Literal scars.
But yea, I'm just glad that I realised my mistakes and had people there that I could trust and that helped me.
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Old 08-02-2013, 07:52 AM   #9
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its not a fun thing thats for sure .... "Hope" is like the best medicine for it ...

and being around people that care also =)
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Old 08-03-2013, 02:25 PM   #10
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I know kids are seen as innocent and everything, but idk really, many of them just seem mean and vindictive, which doesn't really seem innocent to me.

I feel for you guys. It's so easy to harm someone and push them out of stability.
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