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Old 08-30-2008, 09:59 PM   #1
Dr. Jekyll
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A story I'm working on

Let me know what you guys think, I don't have very good self-esteem so I don't really feel like this story is good enough. Personally I think I put a bit too much big words in it. But whatever, I'll let you guys decide. It takes place in the 1900's in the South.

Chapter I
"Y'all better get out your quills, because we gonna have a test!" Said the teacher. The students lagged far behind what the teacher gestured the students to do, but eventually all of the dreary students got out their pencils and waited for the impending doom that would be the spelling test. Now before we start this here story, I should tell you about the essential things you should know! First it takes place in the 1800's, remember that, secondly the main character is a young boy of 11, named Russel, who is one of the quietest boy in all of Mississippi! Good, I reckon we can start the story now! Russel immediately took notice of the fact that he did not study. He abandoned his homework so he could go a fishing with ol' Florine, a young girl bout' the same age as Russel. The teacher slapped the test on Russel's desk, with a stern look to signify that he would get a hard thrashing if he failed. Russel's heart quelled up with utter dread. Sweat was starting to arise from his pores, he could feel it. The first word on the spelling test was "expectorate." He tried to sound it out, but all seemed to fail, he wrote the best answer he could muster up. Next on the test was the word "accommodate." He tried spelling it like so: A-C-A-MO-D-A-T-E. Yet once again natural instinct led him to believe that he was wrong, so he tried this: A-C-C-O-M-M-O-D-A-T-E. This time his instincts said otherwise, he knew was right. Lastly the words " intelligence," "spiteful," and lastly "harass." I shan't need to tell bout' what happend to Russel, cept' that he left a happy boy.

Chapter II


Russel left the school house a mighty happy boy, he rushed to his and Florine's secret fishing spot, and laid down with mighty sigh. Florine stalled her idle pickings of a daisy, and turned towards Russel. "What in the Sam Hill are you so relieved about? "Just got an A- on my spellin' test." Said Russel. "Well ain't that gonna help us build our raft... Now I should be explaining to you what she's talkin' bout, and why she wasn't in school. Now you see, Florine was raised by no good two timing fraud, he taught her how to fool the young gullible kind. Now if she failed to present herself as whatever her father wanted her to be, they would have to go and run off t'nother town. Obviously her father wouldn't be the jubilant type then, so he have her quite the thrashing. Eventually she didn't want to put up with him any more, so she ran off while he was sound asleep, and traveled to this here town of St. Peterson. Since she was never the kind who liked to be ladylike, she dropped that has soon as she got to St. Peterson, broke into some boys house, snuck around till she found some clothes, and by and by she would steal some other set of clothes from another unlucky victim. Mostly from family's who didn't know what her intentions were. Ironically, she uses her fathers talent to gain money and such, so she can keep alive. Most kids love her for her charm and rebel like quality's... Parents on the other hand loathe her, because she is setting a bad example for their children. Anyways, on with the story. "Hey", said Russel, you gonna need someone who can read, I warn't go with anyone who can't read a sign, or such and such. "Well we can't go anywhere, if I have to build this raft all by myself." Said Florine. "Anyways, what do you reckon we should round up this holiday?" "Not a thing, I'm a fixin' to go tomorrow." " "You nuts!? Exclaimed Florine. "We too po' to set off tomorrow!" "Don't you believe we can snag enough money tonight? We already got $20!" Said Russel. "Pssh, $20 ain't enough, we gonna need about $50." "Yes, $50 sounds very reasonable." Said Russel. "Listen, I gotta get going, I'll see you around. And with that Russel got up and headed back to the town. When he arrived he was met with a large mob of townsfolk gathered around one man. Russel pushed and shoved his way through the crowd till he got a good look at the man. The man he was looking upon was Florine's dad.
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Old 08-31-2008, 05:56 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by Dr. Jekyll View Post
Let me know what you guys think, I don't have very good self-esteem so I don't really feel like this story is good enough. Personally I think I put a bit too much big words in it. But whatever, I'll let you guys decide. It takes place in the 1900's in the South.

Chapter I
"Y'all better get out your quills, because we gonna have a test!" Said the teacher. The students lagged far behind what the teacher gestured the students to do, but eventually all of the dreary students got out their pencils and waited for the impending doom that would be the spelling test. Now before we start this here story, I should tell you about the essential things you should know! First it takes place in the 1800's, remember that, secondly the main character is a young boy of 11, named Russel, who is one of the quietest boy in all of Mississippi! Good, I reckon we can start the story now! Russel immediately took notice of the fact that he did not study. He abandoned his homework so he could go a fishing with ol' Florine, a young girl bout' the same age as Russel. The teacher slapped the test on Russel's desk, with a stern look to signify that he would get a hard thrashing if he failed. Russel's heart quelled up with utter dread. Sweat was starting to arise from his pores, he could feel it. The first word on the spelling test was "expectorate." He tried to sound it out, but all seemed to fail, he wrote the best answer he could muster up. Next on the test was the word "accommodate." He tried spelling it like so: A-C-A-MO-D-A-T-E. Yet once again natural instinct led him to believe that he was wrong, so he tried this: A-C-C-O-M-M-O-D-A-T-E. This time his instincts said otherwise, he knew was right. Lastly the words " intelligence," "spiteful," and lastly "harass." I shan't need to tell bout' what happend to Russel, cept' that he left a happy boy.

Chapter II


Russel left the school house a mighty happy boy, he rushed to his and Florine's secret fishing spot, and laid down with mighty sigh. Florine stalled her idle pickings of a daisy, and turned towards Russel. "What in the Sam Hill are you so relieved about? "Just got an A- on my spellin' test." Said Russel. "Well ain't that gonna help us build our raft... Now I should be explaining to you what she's talkin' bout, and why she wasn't in school. Now you see, Florine was raised by no good two timing fraud, he taught her how to fool the young gullible kind. Now if she failed to present herself as whatever her father wanted her to be, they would have to go and run off t'nother town. Obviously her father wouldn't be the jubilant type then, so he have her quite the thrashing. Eventually she didn't want to put up with him any more, so she ran off while he was sound asleep, and traveled to this here town of St. Peterson. Since she was never the kind who liked to be ladylike, she dropped that has soon as she got to St. Peterson, broke into some boys house, snuck around till she found some clothes, and by and by she would steal some other set of clothes from another unlucky victim. Mostly from family's who didn't know what her intentions were. Ironically, she uses her fathers talent to gain money and such, so she can keep alive. Most kids love her for her charm and rebel like quality's... Parents on the other hand loathe her, because she is setting a bad example for their children. Anyways, on with the story. "Hey", said Russel, you gonna need someone who can read, I warn't go with anyone who can't read a sign, or such and such. "Well we can't go anywhere, if I have to build this raft all by myself." Said Florine. "Anyways, what do you reckon we should round up this holiday?" "Not a thing, I'm a fixin' to go tomorrow." " "You nuts!? Exclaimed Florine. "We too po' to set off tomorrow!" "Don't you believe we can snag enough money tonight? We already got $20!" Said Russel. "Pssh, $20 ain't enough, we gonna need about $50." "Yes, $50 sounds very reasonable." Said Russel. "Listen, I gotta get going, I'll see you around." And with that Russel got up and headed back to the town. When he arrived he was met with a large mob of townsfolk gathered around one man. Russel pushed and shoved his way through the crowd till he got a good look at the man. The man he was looking upon was Florine's dad.

Dr. Jekyll, you have a natural ability to write.
Good use of idioms, and detail in the second chapter.
Very nice, set up of characterization in the first chapter.

In the first chapter, Marvman red bolded the text that needs to be removed form the paragraph, and put into the prolouge or introduction
of the story. Not much sense in putting it in the conversation where you are about to narrarate the setting and the characters situated.

Also be careful with your sentence parallel structure.
Such as beggining the sentence with a verb using "ing" the other
structure verbs should parallel with it. Also watch for fragments.

Otherwise, great story.
All ya would need is some more illustration,
and dramatic context.

Looking forward to the forecoming chapters.

The beggining of Chapter 2 is real quality material.
Very intriguing, and has a hook.

Rockn.
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Old 08-31-2008, 05:59 AM   #3
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Old 08-31-2008, 06:01 AM   #4
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what he said ↑↑↑↑ XD
Has no freakn A idea what Marvman just said....

Needs to go to college.

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Old 08-31-2008, 06:02 AM   #5
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yup & go from to LOL
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Old 08-31-2008, 07:29 PM   #6
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yup & go from to LOL
wth.....
anyways good story. your a good writer.
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Old 08-31-2008, 07:30 PM   #7
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Lol nice story :3
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