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Old 10-27-2013, 01:27 AM   #1
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Did I take this too far?

So there is this girl that I met a couple years ago but I just recently started talking to her in depth and hanging out with her. For the record, she is the one who initiated the conversations and hang outs. Anyway, I happen to be close friends with her ex who she dumped (rather harshly at that, but that's neither here nor there).

The thing is, I enjoy our newfound friendship but at the same time I couldn't help but wonder in the back of my mind if there was an ulterior motive for it, because she knows that I am close friends with her ex and she asks me about him all the time despite insisting she's over it. The thing is, I've had my feelings toyed with too many times in the past and I just wanted to make sure that she was really hanging out with me for me and not just to use me as a link to the ex bf and former friends.
...

Now, normally I am not a blunt person. I admittedly believe in tact over directness. That said, the topic came up while we were FB chatting just now, and so for once I threw tact to the wind and was blunt in asking just what was on my mind. I type, "I enjoy hanging out with you but...is there an underlying reason you want to hang out with me lately? I'm not accusing you of anything I just sense something is off and I don't like having my feelings played with...are you just hanging with me to keep tabs on [her ex]? I am not accusing just asking straight up."

She clearly became furious with me for even asking such a thing and responded with "I don't think I can be friends with someone who would accuse me of such backstabbing" and she promptly blocked me.

So my question was, was I right to ask her that or did I take it too far? Did I overstep it or was she possibly getting defensive because I may have figured out the truth?
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Old 10-27-2013, 02:48 AM   #2
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Tough call without really knowing who she is, you know. I think I'd take a step back and think about that question on who she is, would she do that, and what have you.

It's really up to you though, do you think you took it too far? I guess if it were me, I'd have the same concerns, but ask a bit more subtly if possible, which it sounds like you might have already when you write about her insisting she's over him, you know.

Again tough call, I can really see it going either way with just basically reading this, however again, take a step back and evaluate whether or not you just want to give up on it.

As crummy as it is, it sounds like you enjoy the friendship, so you'll likely have to talk to her and explain why you asked, and that it was no big deal. Do what you can to apologize and stress that you enjoy the friendship you have, and don't want to lose that. You may even be able to pick up on your original question based off her response.
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:30 AM   #3
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Wiidude says you were correct in your actions, and she re-acted as someone would who is guilty of what was being asked. Good thing you cleared the air now with her instead of wasting more time on her. Wiidude thinks you busted her.
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:53 AM   #4
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It's really tough to say much about this because I don't know either one of you well enough.

Naturally, like most, I don't want to accuse her of overreacting, or of you being too blunt. It's just not my place in this situation. I do believe that everyone has a good reason inside as to why they do what they do, or say what they say. Deep down there is an honest, caring person inside everyone who acts out of being hurt or confused sometimes.

I do believe you were right in bringing it up. It was a concern, and since you say that you two were close friends, I have also always believed that true friends can say, well really, anything to each other. Of course in the right ways, because even good friends can hurt each other with saying the truth. However, I don't think you were as hard as I've seen it happen before. Nor were you as sugar coated as I have seen before. You were in the middle of both. You used specific words to honestly get the point across, but without adding insult really. In any relationship there should be willingness to listen. You need to be willing to listen to her, and she needs to be willing to listen to you.

It could be a number of reasons, IMO. We can all overreact to things when we know we are innocent, and definitely when we know we've been caught. Though the latter happens more often than not between the two. Depending on how close you two are, she may have been just honestly really offended. Or, she was faced with the truth and didn't know how to admit to it. This would also all depend on her temperament. Is she usually the type to be more sensitive, or laid back and calm?

As Cam said, you have to decide how important the friendship is to you. Either way, both of you should come back together an openly talk about everything. True friends are usually able to do that, especially when genuine care is involved. It's only natural to feel the way you do. Maybe just give it some time, she might come back around and try to approach you. If not, still give it some time and then maybe try to contact her in a different method, saying you never meant to cause offense. You seem quite sorry for what happened, and interested in fixing it, that's for sure.

She may still like her ex, or may not. She may or may not have involved you for these reasons, but there is only one way to find out. To talk. Far too many relationships of any kind though are ruined because of misunderstandings that neither party is willing to face or talk about. I definitely hope the two of you can talk things out.

Keep us updated if you wish. I'll be happy to help in any other way I can. Best of wishes with this, Brandyn.
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Old 10-27-2013, 11:17 AM   #5
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts, guys.

To help paint the picture better I have known her since 2011 as we met when we were paired to do this skit back in high school. But we weren't really acquainted as this is a girl who would walk past me without a glance back in high school. We ended up going to the same community college. It was really only this past summer we started talking in depth.

Last night, before I even bluntly asked I said, "I sense something is off here, anything you wanna tell me" and she said "nope nothing". She didn't bother asking why I felt something was wrong or try to deny there was something wrong just "nope, nothing".

I was just trying to figure out if I was right after all before I bothered apologizing and trying to smooth things over but I feel like I was. I just texted "Hey can we talk about last night" so if I don't get a response I will take that as a confirmation of the truth.
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Old 10-27-2013, 12:28 PM   #6
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Judging by how she reacted, it sounded like she really was just trying to get something out of you. Being singled out probably set her off. If you've been friends for some time, there's no reason why she would block you for something like that if it wasn't the truth that she didn't want to hear you clue in on. I think what you said was fine, if you felt it needed to be said, but If she wants to shut you out for it, that's her problem. By the sounds of it, she didn't value hanging out with you, anyway.
Of course, I don't know your guys situation that well, so correct me if I'm wrong. But that's what i got from what you said.
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Old 10-27-2013, 06:50 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Misdirection View Post
Judging by how she reacted, it sounded like she really was just trying to get something out of you. Being singled out probably set her off. If you've been friends for some time, there's no reason why she would block you for something like that if it wasn't the truth that she didn't want to hear you clue in on. I think what you said was fine, if you felt it needed to be said, but If she wants to shut you out for it, that's her problem. By the sounds of it, she didn't value hanging out with you, anyway.
Of course, I don't know your guys situation that well, so correct me if I'm wrong. But that's what i got from what you said.
Some very good points I agree with.

Yeah, I don't see you said anything all that absurd either as I said earlier. She seems to be shutting you out completely over something that, if not true, should have been easily discussed. At some point she would have, I imagine, showed concern of some kind when you stated you didn't like having your feelings played with. Any understanding friend would help to assure the fact that that's not the case.

Either way, a reaction like that gives out a red flag impression, and would do that for anybody to react like that. It makes a person look more guilty than not.

It's unfortunate.
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Old 10-28-2013, 12:19 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brandyn View Post


Last night, before I even bluntly asked I said, "I sense something is off here, anything you wanna tell me" and she said "nope nothing". She didn't bother asking why I felt something was wrong or try to deny there was something wrong just "nope, nothing".

That should be all the indication you need right there. Her act of simply blocking you immediately without any type of discussion reeks of immaturity. You don't want to purse a relationship with someone that childish anyway; It's probably just asking for drama.
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Old 10-28-2013, 02:20 PM   #9
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Yeah, it seems like my intuition was right anyway so I am glad this came up now and not way down the line.
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Old 10-28-2013, 10:39 PM   #10
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Yeah, misdirection makes sense too, was an extreme reaction on her part.
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