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Old 12-01-2009, 11:16 PM   #1
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Wasteland(story)

So, I thought I'd post a bit of my writing here and see what you guys thought of it. I LOVE critique so don't be afraid to point something out. Honestly, this isn't the best thing I've ever written, but I see it going places, personally. Gimme some feedback, guys.


Warnings


Blood


Violence


Language



Prologue

War is endless. There are no victors. Everyone suffers. War is what ended the human race, a nuclear blast beyond any you could ever have imagined. The entire world is now completely devoid of any human life, and only about fifty percent of animal life remains. Even with the absence of the human race…war continues.


Wasteland

Chapter 1

The large and muscular Doberman was sprawled on the living room floor two days after the fateful event. His eyes fixated on the LCD screen that hung against the white wall, static covering the screen like snow in a blizzard. His owners never did come home that night when they left…He breathed a heavy sigh, and rolled over on the tan carpet, and stood up, stretching his stiffened legs. His black body was well built and muscular, and he had reddish brown fur on his belly, paws and maw. He trudged his way into the kitchen, his claws pitter pattering on the white tile as he ran up to his sterling silver bowl in the corner. It was empty except for a few crumbs. He turned his attention to his water bowl next to it, and lapped up the few remaining drops that remained. “I don’t think they’re coming back…I’ve got to get out of here…” he thought to himself.

He walked over to the door leading outside. It was a glass screen door, and peering outside, he overlooked the barren world that remained. Vehicles permanently parked in their driveways, some houses torn to shreds. Nothing remained fully in tact, it seemed. It was a wasteland. He stood up on his hind legs, nipping at the handle, long, golden and slightly curved as he tried to grasp it in his teeth. He growled as he tried to get his jowls around the lever, and free himself, but eventually, he gave up, and began to walk away. Once a good distance off from the door, he charged it, breaking through the glass with his immense weight. He landed on the side walk outside and rolled a bit, broken glass scattered about the immediate area. He stood to his feet, and shook off the dirt, panting happily at his freedom.

He looked on into the distance, and spotted a white, fluffy canine figure walking his direction, sniffing at the ground as it went along. The Doberman barked to get the other dog’s attention and the white mass came running to him.

“Yes?” the pure white Husky asked.

“What’s going on?! Everything is….What the hell is going on?!” the Doberman asked in a panicked tone.

“I don’t know…I was in the basement, and I heard a loud noise. I went upstairs to check it out, and everything was so bright, I couldn’t see….I found my owners dead….and every other human I’ve seen is deceased.” The Husky replied with a shake of his head.

“It just doesn’t make any sense…” the Doberman said in frustration.

“I know, I know…by the way, my name is Buck.” The Husky said sitting on his haunches.

“Nice to meet you, Buck, I’m Ludo.” replied the Doberman.

“Well, Ludo…I think we should stick together. Strength in numbers, right?”

“Oh! The neighbors had a dog too…an Akita I think. I’ve only seen glimpses of her before, though.”

“I see…well, I suppose we should check on her.” said Buck standing back on his feet, “Lead the way, then.”

Ludo took him through his back yard, all the once flourishing flowers in the large garden that covered the majority of the yard brows, and decayed. He squeezed through a broken part of an old wooden fence onto the property next door. It was a large house, two stories tall. It was seemingly unaffected by the blast, although the yard was a total mess. They look up onto the balcony to see the female with her front paws on the rails, looking around the area. She was indeed an Akita with black and white mixed fur, the white covering mostly her underside.

“Hey you!” Ludo called, the Akita tuning her attention.

“Yes?” she called.

“I’m from next door, and I just remembered that the neighbors had you…are you okay?”

“Yes, but, I’m trapped.” She sighed.

“I’ll try and get in.” Buck said heading around to the front.

“Well, I’m not gonna jump!” the Akita snapped.

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out!” Ludo called as he too went around to the front, the Akita heading back inside. She met them at the front door, also a glass door like Ludo’s. Her black and white fur matched the checkerboard pattern of the tile inside.

“Hmm…” Buck said, tilting his head.

“I’ll get it! Move!” Ludo said strolling down to the end of the sidewalk. He charged the door as he did his own, busting through the glass. The Akita yelped and swiftly moved out of his way as he came running.

“Well, I was just going to open it, but that works….” Buck sighed.

“Thank you both…my name is Loki.” The Akita wagged.

“I’m Ludo, and this is Buck. Are your owners dead too?” Ludo inquired.

Loki looked down at the floor, a sad expression on her face as she whimpered.

“Ludo, you aren’t exactly a smooth talker, are you?” Buck shook is head.

“It’s alright…and I suppose they are…they left the other night, and never came home.” Loki explained.

“Right…Well, first priority is food…We’re all hungry I’m sure. And I’ve seen a few wolves lately…apparently, their moving in on the city now that the humans are gone.” Buck sighed.

“Well, let’s get moving then.” Ludo replied.

They were on the outskirts of the city, and there was more open field than anything. The trio was traveling through a large, grassy field, all the trees barren despite the summer weather. The sun was just beginning to set, and cast an orange glow over the already gloomy planet.

Buck had his nose to the ground, following a scent of some sort, though he wasn’t sure what it was. “Hm…I thought I found something we could eat, but…I’m not sure anymore….” He said as they went along.

“Well, what’s this? Fresh meat?” laughed an unfamiliar voice. A dark gray wolf approached them from the front and evil grin on his face. His yellow eyes pierced their souls like a dagger and they all froze in their tracks.

“Hey, we’re just looking for something to eat…leave us alone and we’ll share whatever we find.” Buck tried to negotiate.

“Or I could just make a meal out of you lot.” The wolf growled.

“Besides…a bunch of pampered pooches like you aren’t going to make it very far out here anyway.” A female voice chuckled as a white wolf approached them on the right side, as well a lighter gray wolf from the left. The lighter gray wolf was half the size of the other two, apparently a runt.

The trio of wolves began to circle the three dogs growling and bearing their teeth.

Suddenly laughter caught their attention.

“Picking on a bunch of domestics? Wow, don’t you look tough, Raul.” Laughed a wolf mixed Husky as he approached the group from behind. He was mostly dark gray with a light gray undercoat. He smiled wide as he laughed heartily at the wolves.

“What?! Blitz, you stupid half breed!” the dark grey wolf snarled.

“Shut up, Raul! Why don’t you go pick a fight with something more your speed, like…I dunno…a kitten.” Blitz teased.

“Fine, if you want to protect a bunch of mutts, then try! It isn’t like last time. I’m not alone…” Raul grinned.

“Wow, a female and a runt…how impressive.” Blitz said sarcastically as he moved in closer. “You guys go on…I’ll take care of him.”

“Thank you!” Ludo said as he started to walk away.

“Ludo, get back here!” Buck growled, “We’re going to help,”

“Alright fine, if you insists…just keep the other two out of my way…I’ve got Raul. The female is Lupa. She’s all bark. And the little one…that’s Lowell…he’s tough for a little guy.” Blitz informed them.

“Right…Ludo, you take Lowell…I got Lupa. Loki, stay back.” Buck commanded.

Loki nodded and quickly moved out of the way, as they faced off in pairs.

Lowell was crouched, bearing his teeth and snarling loudly.

“Bring it on, midget.” Ludo laughed.

With a growl, Lowell lunged at Ludo, and latched on his chest with his teeth, his forepaws around his large neck.

“Gah! Get it off! Get it off!” Ludo panicked as he ran in a circle.

“Oh, brother.” Loki sighed putting a paw to her forehead.

Buck and Lupa stood staring each other down for several minutes. Buck finally spoke, “So, if I win, does that you my bitch?” he grinned.

“Shut up!” Lupa snarled as she charged at him. Buck dodged her with ease, and bit down on the back of neck, and threw her to the ground. He held her down with his maw around her neck, but she overthrew him and held him with her paws on his chest.

Still running frantically in a circle, Ludo finally threw Lowell off, and sent him flying into Lupa, knock her off of Buck and leaving Lowell disoriented.

Blitz and Raul had been dodging one an others attempts the entire time. Every time one of them made a move, the other would doge it with ease, and counter.

“Hey you!” Loki called out.

Raul stopped fighting and looked in her direction.

As soon as Raul turned his attention Blitz struck Raul across the pace with his claws, and lunged at him, biting down into his shoulder.

Raul whimpered and cried as blood ran down from his shoulder. Blitz let go as Raul fell to the ground, his tail tucked between his legs.

“Fine….Lupa…Lowell…retreat,” He said stammering to his feet.

“That’s what I thought!” Blitz taunted as the wolf pack trailed off.


***this has been edited for typos and grammar errors since it was originally posted.***
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Last edited by SuperGamecube64; 12-02-2009 at 06:22 PM.
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Old 12-02-2009, 12:32 AM   #2
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Great story! :] I want to read more.
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Old 12-02-2009, 12:38 AM   #3
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I'll give you some crit because I was once a young writer looking for some feedback on work I was very passionate about, and I know how it feels.

First of all, you can save yourself some possible embarrassment simply by proofreading. I'm not going to call you out on all your errors, because some of them will be blatantly obvious once you just read this over once, slowly.

Less obviously, something like this:
“Oh, brother.” Loki sighed putting a paw to her forehead.

is actually one sentence. Technically you could have it read as two, as what would be the second clause can be read as independent, but do you really want it read that way? It's good to be in the habit of making it once sentence with a subordinate clause, as sometimes, it won't work as well as you have it above.

For example, it doesn't really work here:
“Hey! You!” Loki called out.

Here you have a verb that takes an object in the accusative, but you don't have an accusative present. Or a direct object, as most schools teach it. The verb being "to call out," in case you weren't sure.

Because you're using exclamation points, you don't have to make any changes here; the subordinate clause is understood and thus not represented in punctuation (one of the great flaws in the English language). However, it would be different if Loki said, "Hello."

So let's take that sentence with a period at the end, instead of an exclamation point, so I can show you how it's done. We get this:
“Hey, you.” Loki called out.

This is incorrect. It looks right, and it's not obvious, but English punctuation rules don't always make the most sense, and they change quite a bit when quotation marks are involved, so just trust me on this one. What you want is this:
“Hey, you,” Loki called out.

See how the period within the quotation marks becomes a comma? This is because it is not the end of the sentence; we now have a quotation acting as the direct object. This is something you can get by without sometimes, but never if you say something like "Mike said __________."

So to wrap it up, sentences like:
"I'm coming home." He said.

are wrong, and sentences like:
"I'm coming home," he said.

are right.

So you could clean some stuff up a bit. Not all of it is technically wrong, as you could attribute it to stylistic choices, but if you want to be consistent within all your writing, you should stick to this rule, as there are some cases which you can certainly not deviate.

Fix it up, read it over, present a second draft, and then we'll take a look at that.
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Old 12-02-2009, 05:46 PM   #4
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Thanks Op

And whisker, why did you move this to profiles and blogs? it is a story. Prose. Prose is art.
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You wield the banhammer like Thor wields Mjolnir.

"No, you're clearly wrong. A game's success is determined by the score. Opinions are facts now, and if this game gets too many negative facts then this game clearly sucks so we should all just leave and play Kingdom Hearts and Call of Duty.(that hurt to type)" - Sabeta_Sama of GFAQs
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Old 12-02-2009, 06:01 PM   #5
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Thanks Op

And whisker, why did you move this to profiles and blogs? it is a story. Prose. Prose is art.
Yeah, I went back to look for this and didn't see it. Didn't even think to look in profiles and blogs, as this is neither.

Found it when you bumped it, though. Moved back. And you're welcome.
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Old 12-02-2009, 06:07 PM   #6
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Well, I'm looking over and fixing it up now. And, mush, I'm glad you want to read more. I don't know if a second chapter will be done tonight or not, but I try to keep it steady.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:25 PM   #7
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Cool story, dude!! I have all short stories I've created since 5th grade...:P
I might just post some!
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Old 12-05-2009, 01:05 AM   #8
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I'm going to try and have the second chapter up as soon as possible.
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Old 12-10-2009, 01:06 AM   #9
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Warnings

Violence


Wasteland


Chapter 2


Buck sighed as the wolves ran off. "Thank you, Blitz..."

"No problem. Those goes seem to go looking for trouble." Blitz replied.

"Well, would you mind if we joined you? you're obviously more experienced than we are at surviving out here." Buck asked.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm already notorious fro helping domestics like you! If I start paling around with you, I'll be public enemy number one!"

"I understand. So, do you at least have any advice?"

"There's a car lot with a star emblem on it's sign when you get into the city. Stay AWAY from it! A pretty dangerous wolf pack has taken over it. They attack everyone, even other wolves."

"Thanks. See ya around, Blitz." Buck said as Blitz went on his way.

"So, food, where?" Ludo inquired.

"Guess we'll have to keep looking." Buck replied.

"Oh, come on, I'm starving!" Loki complained.

"Sitting here talking about how hungry we are isn't going to help anything." Buck said as he started to trail off, the others following him soon enough.

It was starting to get dark, the night illuminated by the glow of the stars and moon. The streets were lit with the remaining street lights, though there were great distances between them. The group stuck to the sidewalks, as sparsely lit as they were. They were still the brightest area for the time being.

"We're getting close to town now, right? Maybe we should break into a store..." Ludo suggested.

"Not like the humans need the food..." Loki replied.

"I suppose that is a good idea, isn't it? all I know is that we're staying as far away from that car lot as possible."

A little while later they found a market. it was just in the edge of town as they entered, and the few cars in the parking lot were almost destroyed completely. They approached the flat roofed building with caution, and noticed a medium sized hole in the glass door, shattered, and low to the ground.

"Something beat us here..." Loki said backing up a couple of steps back.

"Well, even if it kills us, at least we won't die starving..." Buck said as he squeezed through the broken glass.

"You aren't gonna leave a girl out here by herself are you?!" Loki said, half scolding Ludo.

"Um...," Ludo said as his stomach growled, "Later!"

"What?! you! you...I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!" Loki screamed as Ludo ventured inside. She stood for a few moments, looking around in the dark of the night. her eyes widened as she heard the mournful howl of a lupine, and with a yelp, she scurried through the hole.

The market had been ransacked. The shelves were in disarray, and the whole store was littered with packaging. The lights were not on, and everything was dark, the only light coming from outside.

Buck looked around, sniffing the air.

"Getting anything?" Ludo asked.

"This...can't be good....c'mon! We're going to get some food!" buck said as he ran off.

"First he says this can't be good, then he runs off...What is wrong with him?!" Ludo sighed.

"Let's just get this over with..." Loki stuttered as they chased after Buck.

buck came to a stop at the meat department, Ludo and Loki joining him soon enough.

"The meat smells a little bit tainted...but i don't guess beggars can be choosers." Ludo said, already licking his jowls.

"Let's check the back first," Buck said scurrying into the steel door nearby. He looked around the tiled room, sniffing around as he did. The smell of half spoiled meat filled the air, and a few uncut sections of beef and pork where lying about on the tables. Ludo and Loki came in not long after him. Buck started to look around frantically, back up a bit, "Someone's in here..."

Out of nowhere, a scruffy beige furred coyote bound from behind one of the steel tables, growling and barring his teeth.

"Look, we don't want a fight! there's plenty of meat here!" Buck tried to negotiate.

"I will bring the meat back to master!!!" the coyote snarled.

"Hey, calm down! Who is this "master" and why are you taking him food?" Buck inquired, quite curious.

"Perhaps I should just bring you...I'm sure he'd prefer fresh meat." the coyote laughed hysterically closing in on them.

"Now, now..." Buck spoke, as he was interrupted.

"You're so stupid, Buck! When are you gonna learn!" Ludo yelled as he lunged forward, tackling the coyote and pining him down with he mouth around it's neck.

"Whoa...I didn't think you had that in you." Loki blinked.

"Now, spill your guts before my friend spills your blood..." Buck threaten, forcefully placing a paw on the coyotes forehead.

"After the flash, the wolves took over the city...and when my kind finally made it in, they kill all but about a quarter of our population. We're now they're slaves, but they take care of us as long as we follow orders..." the coyote answered, struggled to get up, though it was useless.

"That's terrible...Well, if you let us take some of the food here, we'll let you go, and take whatever else is left back to the wolves."

"Ha! you think I really care that much? I'd rather die than serve them any longer...they keep us alive, but treat us like rats...you'll be doing me a favor if you kill me."

"Fine, let me put you out of your misery!" Ludo muttered through his opened maw, still gripping the coyote tightly.

"No, Ludo!...we're not going to kill you...we're going to let you go. And one day, when the wolves are no longer in charge, you'll thank us..." Buck said.

"Such a day will come?" the coyote asked.

"What are you talking about, Buck?!" Loki shook her head.

"We're going to gather as many dogs as we can, and take down the wolves....they're reign will be over someday." Buck announced.

"Sense when are you so righteous, Buck?" Ludo asked.

"I was already thinking about it, but after hearing his story...this can't continue. We'll find Blitz! he can help!" Buck replied.

"Blitz? the half breed? Boy does everyone want that vagabond dead..." the coyote muttered.

"We'll let you up...it you promise not to attack us." Buck offered.

"Alright, fine..." the coyote sighed as Ludo released him.

"Everyone grab your fill and get going. Thank you for understanding..." Buck said.

"Jericho..." the coyote answered.
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