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Old 03-30-2010, 10:31 PM   #1
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So you wanna be a Master?

(Pokemon Fanfic, based on real events in my game)

"AhhhmmmmnommAHHH."

It was early in the morning, as Sir Manguydude's computer began to beep, a new E-mail, from Lyra. Sir Manguydude arose from his bed, and stumbled in the dark towards his computer. He opened the message.

"Come on outside, and play with me and Marill."

He looked in the corner, it was 8 o' clock, what a drag. Sir Manguydude had just finished High School, and hoped to become a great Pokemon Professor. He planned to go to a university after traveling with Pokemon for awhile, little did he know was that he was about to get that chance.

Sir Manguydude walked down the stairs, and his mother approached him, hands held behind her.

"Surprise, your Poke'etch is fixed!" She exclaimed. "Just in time for your journey."

"Huh?"

"Oh nothing dear, have a fun day."

SMGD left out the front door, and no longer then his foot touched the ground outside, did someone run into him, and knock him down on the ground.

"Mannie, Prof. Elm is looking for you!"

As fast as she came, she was gone, a blur, her blue Marill struggling to keep up behind her. SMGD groaned as he picked himself off the ground and dusted himself off. He tried to run, but couldn't because he had broken his running shoes a few days ago.

The walk to the lab was uneventful, but finally he had arrived. The Great Prof. Elm's lab, and sanctuary. Elm's assistant was standing there waiting for SMGD. The assistant led him in to Elm, who was waiting next to a device that was holding three pokeballs.

"Why SMGD, how nice of you to come," Elm said studiously. "Now I have a task for you today, I need you to go see Mr. Pokemon, he says he has something of major importance to show me. You remember where he lives, correct?"

SMGD, being the strong silent type, merely nodded his head. He had been over at Mr. Pokemon's house several times, as he is a good friend of his mothers.

"As an early thank you present, take one of those pokeballs over in that device, they contain three rare pokemon, Chikorita, Cyndaquil, and Totodile," Elm insisted. "Please take one, and be on your way.

By the time Elm finished his sentence, SMGD had all ready decided, Cyndaquil, the fire pokemon.
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:54 PM   #2
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I get it.. "New Adventures" xD It's cute :3
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Old 03-31-2010, 08:05 PM   #3
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okay, if you're gonna turn your game experience into a story, make notes as you play so you can make chapters longer. 16 lines of nondescript dialog doesn't qualify as a story in my book...also, I understand that the main character is you, or rather, your character....you should either come up with an more realistic alias or just use your first name. It's really annoying reading a story where they address someone as SMGD.

your actual writing itself is not that bad, even if most of it is prescripted from the game. You have a nice vocabulary, and you don't overuse it(a problem with some writers is they use too many big words, making it confusing for some, or use almost no big words and then its just bland). also, try to give the characters more emotion when they talk.

an edited version of some of your dialog to show what I mean, if you don't mind:

"Come on outside, and play with me and Marill."

He looked in the corner, it was 8 o' clock, what a drag. Sir Manguydude had just finished High School, and hoped to become a great Pokemon Professor. He planned to go to a university after traveling with Pokemon for awhile, little did he know was that he was about to get that chance.

[an actual name] walked down the stairs, and his mother approached him, hands held behind her.

"Surprise, your Poke'etch is fixed!" She exclaimed, extended her hands to him as her face flooded with glee. "Just in time for your journey."

"Huh?" he scratched his head in confusion.

"Oh nothing dear, have a fun day." She chimed.

Hope this helps you.
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