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Old 01-13-2011, 08:21 AM   #1
Onaga Koopa
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Life as a koopa king: Zen koopa


Everything was normal for the ice koopa king Zen koopa the brother of onaga koopa Zen was sitting in his throne with his new baby son who is an ice koopa himself.

Sub-zero koopa the son of Zen came in the throne room

Sub-zero: “King dad how’s my baby bro doing?” He said crossing his arms smiling

Zen: “Oh he’s alright…just chillin” he said while holding spiker blade koopa

Spiker: he speaks to Zen like babies do “jaba boo jabu jiji wee wee”

Zen: he giggles when spiker tried to talk “he’s really cute. Listen we’re going to start training alright so get ready and make sure zan comes too” he gets up and walked to the training room

Sub-zero: “No prob” walks into zan’s room “yo zan get to the training room we got learning to do”

Zan: playing Mario kart wii Wi-Fi “hold on I’m racing here” he cheered as he won the race “Yes in your face losers!!” dancing with joy

Sub-zero: It means NOW NOT LATER!! Yelled zero

Zan: heard sub-zero yelled at me “Ok ok sheesh” walks out of my room

Training time

Zen: “here ya go spiker you can sit here and watch “puts spiker on the cradle and then waits for his sons

Spiker: he speaks again baby talk

Zan: “whats the training pops?” acting cool when he said that

Zen: “Alright then boys your training will be simple and hard so pay attention “Tries to keep his sons focused“Now then class is in session your lesson is this” uses my ice powers to make a sharp like spear “this is an ice spear you throw it at where the dicration you want to throw it heart chest head whatever like so” throw the ice spear at the icy wall “see?”

Zan: Looked surprised “That is awwwwwsommmme” said zan with his eyes wide open

Sub-zero: felt concerned about the way zan looks but ignores it “I’ll try it king dad”

Zen: “Sure just make sure you concentrate on your powers before you use it”

Sub-zero: “I’ll try.” concentrate hard then my ice began generate

Zen: smiles as he watches sub-zero

Sub-zero: generates the ice and grows it into a spear then throws it

Zen: “Very nice” clapped my hands to applauded sub-zero

Sub-zero: “thanks king dad at least I did a lot better then zan”

Zan: “Hey!! I heard that!!” yelled and got angry from when sub-zero is being a show-off

Zen: “ok now you try zan and remember to concentrate”

Zan: Rubs my hands to try and get it right crack my fingers “Ohohoooo yeah” tries to make an ice ball first but didn’t work he pushes instand he farted “hehe sorry” he blushed and continue to try.

Zen: “you might wanna keep trying son” “k training section over. Let’s try some other ones shall we”

10 minutes later

Zen: Nice work sub-zero that was excellent zan you might wanna keep trying.

Zan: I don’t get how dad likes you best!!

Sub-zero: “because I learn focus and all you do is goof around.”

Zan: “Ohhh you want a piece of this?!” uses ice ball but it didn’t work

Sub-zero: “See what I mean? Also btw” uses ice fart at zan and his body shakes

Zan: “Ewwwwww!” he got grossed out and starts to shake

Sub-zero: laughs at zan and walk away.

Zen: “Being the 2nd king koopa is hard work even when I raise three children. I mean bowser he raise 10…I possibly couldn’t raise too many. Isn’t that right spiker?” tickles spiker

Spiker: giggling and laughing
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Old 01-13-2011, 03:42 PM   #2
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was funny to read, nice imagination
^w^
but was also little hard to follow.
using script form is nice, isnt more like
sub-zero: (what they say goes here)
and when you want to describe what they are doing you do
(seperate line, description of what they do)
um, i guess example would be

(zen clapped my hands to appluad sub-zero)
zen: very nice!

That kinda thing
just a suggestion!
^w^
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Old 01-13-2011, 08:50 PM   #3
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get rid of script formatting, and work on your use of commas and you'd have a decent read.

And you must be a Mortal Kombat fan?
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Old 01-15-2011, 06:15 PM   #4
Onaga Koopa
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Yes i am
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