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Old 04-04-2011, 09:18 PM   #1
AlexTheGamer1000
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Exclamation Custom Robo Arena: Commander Z Strikes! (Featuring Ray Legend!)

This is going to be my second attempt at a Custom Robo Arena story, so please bear with me. I don't want to get into any more disagreements with SuperGamecube64 like the one I had in my other one! No sir!

Chapter 1: The Campfire Story!

It all started with a camping trip in the forest surrounding Mt. Zephyr. Me, Liv, and Dennis hiked through the forest, and after an hour or two, we found a clearing. We decided to set up our camp here. We took our tents our of our backpacks and set them up. Liv then says to Dennis, "Hey Dennis, could you go get the firewood while Alex (yep, that's my name) and I go over our supplies?". "Yeah, I'll go get it, even though I'll probably get hurt by a wild animal anyways", said the spectacled commander kinda nervously as he goes off to get the firewood. After 10 minutes, Dennis came back with not only the firewood, but a really scared look on his face. I then ask, "Hey Dennis, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" Dennis then puts the firewood down and whimpers, "F-f-f-f-follow m-m-m-me..." SO we follow Dennis to where he saw whatever scared the living crap out of him. He then points out what appears to be the site of a ferocious robo battle in the real world that had happened not too long ago (just about a week). "Wow...is that what scared your pants off, Dennis?", asked Liv curiously. I then walked over to the site and examined it thoroughly. "Yep, it's a robo battle in the real world", I started, "and it looked like it was fought about a week ago!". As I further examined the site, I also found a calling card on the ground, literally. It was greenish-colored card with a cool-looking Z in the center. So I crouched down, and picked up to show to Liv and Dennis. "Oh my god, I'd never thought I'd see one of these!", yelled a surprised/eager Liv. "Liv, you know whose calling card that is?", asked Dennis curiously. "That's the calling card of the mysterious Commander Z!" That's when me and Dennis got really curious! Commander Z? Who could that be? Was he an infamous criminal who's always a step ahead of the authorities? Or is he a hermit like old Viktor Stark, the former chief of the police squad? We'll find out later because we were going back to our campsite. It was dark, and we started up the campfire, and we had frankfurters and s'mores. Comically enough, when Dennis took a bite of his frankfurter, he burned his tongue in the process, and he scrambled towards the cooler, and dipped his tongue into the ice to stop the burning. That's when I saw Liv giggling while holding a bottle of super-spicy hot sauce. Camping prank, haw! "Oh, very funny, Liv!", huffed Dennis indignantly. After that, we started to tell campfire stories. Dennis told a campfire story about a shape-shifting monster that preys on children, and seven children fought it and defeated the foul creature from the dark depths, and again 30 years later as adults (Stephen King reference xD). Liv then says, "I can do a better story than that! Say, maybe I'll tell the tale of Commander Z!". It is then that Liv started to weave a tale of mystery, legendary skills as a commander, and an obselete pre-production model of the original Ray. There was once a young boy, who fought many Robo battles to glorious victories with a unique pre-production model of the original Ray. It was different than the final version, in terms of appearance, stats, and charge attack. Its charge attack is an Evasion-type that consists of a mighty back-flip. As for stats, it's like those of a Little Raider, but with more offensive power, and a smidge less speed. Its commander has skills like you wouldn't believe, even when he's alternating between his beloved pre-production Ray and any other Robo. He's won many Robo battles with it, even in a few tournaments, and also took on a criminal organization with it! This mystery-man commander also won the very first Robo Cup with his unique Ray. The year after, he lost his title, but he's not a sore loser, and as a gift to the guy who beat him, he gave him a copy of the final version of Ray. Then, "Z", as this mystery commander came to be known, disappeared into the shadows. Over the years, people have been claiming to have encountered this mysterious individual, even battling him and losing. Liv also mentioned that her brother Eddy heard all the rumors. Dennis then says, "Wow, that was an impressive story, Liv, and you're right, there's no way I can beat that!". "Why thank you, Dennis", said Liv to the glasses-wearing commander. We all turned in to our tents for the night. When I was sleeping, I started to have a dream in which I was in a Robo battle against a shadowy figure. I was using my Ray Mk. III, and the mysterious one is using what appears to be the original Ray, but it seems different. That's when I realized that I was dreaming that I'm fighting Commander Z in a Robo battle!

Last edited by AlexTheGamer1000; 04-05-2011 at 11:50 AM. Reason: some advice from Glastonbury
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:51 PM   #2
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You mind if I give you some suggestions?

1. Keep your story in one tense.

Let me show you why I say this:

Quote:
Me, Liv, and Dennis hiked through the forest, and after an hour or two, we found a clearing. We decided to set up our camp here. We took our tents our of our backpacks and set them up.
The above quote is fine. You kept the story in the past tense.

Quote:
After that, Liv sends Dennis to go look for firewood while she and I go over our plans for tonigt and our supplies too.
Here, though, you change the story from past tense to present tense.

Your readers may be confused when certain events are happening, therefore it's always preferred to keep the story in one tense.

2. Don't dwell on minute details.

Quote:
We have gas for the campfire, marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate for s'mores, and Hebrew National hot dogs for the frankfurters. I almost forgot, we also have a cooler for some soda bottles we brought along, and bug spray. Dennis came back with the firewood, and we've set it up, and soaked it in the campfire gas, and lit it with a match. We also made sure that it doesn't cause a wildfire, or we'd get in BIG BIG trouble!
This passage is the meat of your chapter. Please forgive my criticism, but its basically describing a whole lot of nothing. Worse still, it's going too in-depth. I'm sure the reader can surmise that the protagonists know how to properly contain a campfire.

Details are fine, but too many will bore your readers.

3. "Dialog is always a plus," I advised the aspiring writer.

For these 15-17 sentences, there was never one that contained any dialog. This wasn't a problem, until there was a shout-out about this problem in sentence 14:

Quote:
(forgive me for the lack of spoken dialogue so far, ladies and gentlemen!)
I then reread the chapter, and noticed there were a few instances where dialog would've greatly enhanced your story. This one is the most glaring example:

Quote:
It was amusing, and Dennis scrambled to the cooler and dipped his burning tongue in the ice, cooling it off, which is also comical, with Dennis complaining that it wasn't very funny.
A little back-and-forth between the characters would've broken up your narration, and enhanced that sentence.

I'm not trying to tell you narration is a bad thing. Fight scenes, for example, are superb when written with as little speech between the characters as possible.

Know what's right for your story, take in suggestions from others, and keep your fan feedback in balance; only then will your story be successful.
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:59 PM   #3
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your avatar looks rather creepy! :P
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Old 04-05-2011, 11:55 AM   #4
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I edited Chapter 1, Glasty!
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:35 PM   #5
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Chapter 2: Dream

It was so surreal...I was fighting Z in a Robo battle in the "No-Man's Land" Holosseum. His Robo, classified as Ray Legend, is something to behold in
spite of it being an obselete model of the original Ray. But wait, it also said
that Ray Legend's an illegal Robo! The moment we started the battle, I
noticed that we're both using Standard Parts! Both air-dashed for supremacy
in the air as we fired away at each other. I landed on the floor, and noticed
that he's air-dashing more than two times, and didn't even have an illegal
version of the Plus One Legs equipped! Ray Legend air-dashed SIX times!
Can you believe it?! The battle lasted what appears to be forever, when I
heard a female voice shouting "Wake up, Sleepyhead!". In fact, it was Liv
shaking me awake. Dennis then started to cook some fried eggs for breakfast.
As we ate, I talked about my dream, and with Liv eagerly asking, "What was his
Robo like?". I then answered, "It looked like the original Ray, but different, and from
what I could make out, its name is Ray Legend!". "Ray Legend? Now that's a fitting
name for a Robo, considering the skills of its commander!", exclaimed Liv excitedly.
We were then about to pack up our stuff when suddenly, from out of the shadows
comes the rascal Marv and parrot Cheepers, in a panicky state! "WHOA!", I said, "Where's the fire, Marv?!" Marv then calms down and explains, "It all started when me and my fine-feathered friend Cheepers were on a camping trip in the forest. We were about get some firewood when we heard some really loud noises, louder than those crows that Cheepers really HATE! We went to check out the noises, and what we found blew us away! We found the site of a Robo battle NOT in a Holosseum, that's illegal! The opponents were still there. One was mourning over his loss and how his Robo got trashed, and the other is a mysterious-looking dude in a trenchcoat and sunglasses, and he's got a Robo that looks kinda like the original Ray, and a Z-shaped pendant. We suddenly remembered the rumors! In front of us, was the legendary Commander Z! He challenged both me and Cheepers to a 2-on-1 battle, which we accepted! His Robo is named Ray Legend or other. Just as the battle began, in the No-Man's Land Holosseum, it ended oh so quickly! In spite of its stats, Ray Legend creamed us! And that's why we came running in a panic! It scared the living feathers outta us!". We suddenly became skeptical. "Fatso, did you REALLY encounter Commander Z and lost to him in a Robo battle?", asked Liv with a look on her face that makes her look kinda pre--wait a minute, what am I thinking?! Me and Liv are friends! There's not much of a way I'd have a crush on her! Anyways, Dennis then says, "I want to know if you REALLY lost to COmmander Z in a Robo battle, as much as Liv does!". This is going to be one crazy day!
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Old 04-10-2011, 01:23 PM   #6
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Supergamebroski will sayz:


But in all seriousness, spacing out your line every paragraph or so would make your story easier to read.
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Old 04-10-2011, 01:53 PM   #7
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sorry about that
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