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Old 12-31-2011, 03:27 PM   #1
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Star Man Super mario - The inventor

Super Mario - The inventor

Once upon a time, mario was having a walk. Then he found this letter hanging on the tree:

Partner for inventing
Partner need. Rules:
Good - Yes
Evil -
Disgusting - No
Bowser allowed -

Wow! Mario was good, not evil, not disgusting, and he wasn't bowser either!

But mario already had a hard and solid job.

He was very mixed up. He would have to do both jobs at the same time. Thats impossible. Mario thought very quickly. "aha!" said mario. Why can't he sing a little song?

eenie meanie miny moe...

Which one will he choose? Find out in the next part!
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:57 PM   #2
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You wield the banhammer like Thor wields Mjolnir.

"No, you're clearly wrong. A game's success is determined by the score. Opinions are facts now, and if this game gets too many negative facts then this game clearly sucks so we should all just leave and play Kingdom Hearts and Call of Duty.(that hurt to type)" - Sabeta_Sama of GFAQs
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Old 12-31-2011, 04:15 PM   #3
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I can't wait for the next chapter.
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Old 12-31-2011, 04:15 PM   #4
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Congratulations, you have successfully made my suspected troll list.
what?!?
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Old 12-31-2011, 04:18 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Princess Konata View Post
I can't wait for the next chapter.
I'm going to make it tomorrow
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Old 12-31-2011, 04:22 PM   #6
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moar

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Old 12-31-2011, 04:33 PM   #7
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Old 12-31-2011, 05:02 PM   #8
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what?!?
do you mind if I ask your age?

This is not in any way a form of creative writing. Also, all these people so far saying "good stuff" are playing with you, and shame on them for it. I'm not trying to sound mean or harsh, but we've had a lot of trolls here and they almost always target the creative writing section.
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You wield the banhammer like Thor wields Mjolnir.

"No, you're clearly wrong. A game's success is determined by the score. Opinions are facts now, and if this game gets too many negative facts then this game clearly sucks so we should all just leave and play Kingdom Hearts and Call of Duty.(that hurt to type)" - Sabeta_Sama of GFAQs
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Old 12-31-2011, 07:07 PM   #9
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Your story is lacking in many areas. The overall length of the story is rather pathetic, being only 4-5 sentences long. Give it some depth. It really goes a long way.

Description is also something that was lacking here. Perhaps you could've elaborated a bit on the beautiful day that Mario was enjoying on his daily constitutional, or elaborated on the note's contents in a bit more detail. Describing details do not have to be half a page long, just long enough to convey to the reader what you are trying to describe.

This is just a personal thing, but I find the use of emoticons to be a turn-off as I read the story. Just me, though.

Your spelling and grammar were pretty top-notch, I will say. I only saw a couple words not capitalized properly. But you managed to keep it mostly in check, so good job.

And please continue with your story: do not let my words dissuade you from your work, but rather let it influence you to become a better storyteller.

I look forward to the next chapter.
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Old 12-31-2011, 08:12 PM   #10
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